New story from me

[FallenStar]

And before anyone asks, yes, it's in .doc file format and no, I will not upload it as a post like so many have done.  :|

I rather wish people would stop doing that, but...


Anyway, this is a story I've just finished writing. It features our lovely Card Captor Sakura and her friend/cousin Tomoyo in a first time female ejaculation/wetting scenario.

The Tags are as follows:

Lolicon, Female Ejaculation, Female Desperation, Female Wetting, Female Humiliation

If you read this fic (and you'd better :P ), please post a response detailing what you did and didn't like about the fic. Seriously, I'm not just posting this so you can ignore it.   

[Serika]

the little nine years old's belly

Well first, Sakura and Tomoyo were both 10 at the start of the series. Then maybe years could be year. XD

Sakura and Tomoyo's moms were cousins, so that would make them seconds cousins. It doesn't really matter, it's still incest but if they had babies the little ones would come out just fine.

The content of the fic was good, anything Sakura/Tomoyo is a massive win. :)

[FallenStar]

Yeah, I'm aware that in the series, they're 10 years old. I just happen to like them better as nine years old, so maybe it's a bit of an AU fic.   

And second cousins are still cousins, right?  :P

And I never said anything about babies, although an incest tag probably needs to be put there.   

[JackO]

Overall pretty good, a fairly descriptive and enjoyable read... Sakura's desperation building well and a nice sense of innocence with the comments about her 'being broken' and 'peeing twice'. I'd have probably liked her to have got caught, having peed in the bed... (or at least that'd be all the dad/brother noticed) but that's just my preference... I enjoy a little bit of embarrassment of the girl who has peed.

In terms of use of English and everything... its always going to be grammatically correct if its coming from you, Star... but in a few places I did sort of notice paragraphs starting with the same words, (example; Page 5 - Her body bucking/shivering/growing weaker) I mean... its good description but again, a lot of the paragraphs start with an action or a description of one... but whether or not you think that's too big a point is up to you... I don't think it is, its just damn hard to find anything criticise in your writing.

I liked the lack of conversation throughout... with mostly thoughts until the end, where conversation was entirely appropriate... and was perhaps even delightfully innocent and sweet at the same time. Whilst I'm not really one for imagining 10 year old girls doing such things... or even nine year old girls as you put them at... its easy enough for me to grow them up a little in my mental image of the story... I like your style of description... it gives a nice view of things... but doesn't set in stone every exact detail, so we can have fun with it too.

Anyway... thanks for the story, it was much enjoyed here.