The Origins - FallenStar's first original story remade!

[FallenStar]

This is a remake of the first ever original story I wrote a long time ago. I daresay this story was new back in 1994-1995 as later on, I "borrowed" names of characters from Final Fantasy Mystic Quest and Final Fantasy VI (back then, it was known as Final Fantasy III US), although in this remade version, no characters are ripped or stolen from FF: MQ or FFVI.

I am uploading this first chapter as a .pdf and a .doc file format, so hopefully everyone will get a chance to read it.

Here are the tags/warnings: Tags: Female Desperation, Forced Wetting, Bondage, Pain, Hypnosis, Female Masturbation

I will say that later on, it will become evident that each and every girl in this universe has a singular weakness; if their labia are stroked by someone *other* than themselves for any length of time - 5 minutes or so - they will have intense urges to pee that they will not be able to control for longer than a few paragraphs. This only works once in any given scene and so, can't be done more than 1 time - to allow the bladder to refill.  :P

And without further ado, here's Chapter One:  The Beginning

(synopsis: Two girls enter a supposedly haunted/creepy mansion looking for their friend only to discover a plot to steal a powerful crystal and murder the guards..)

[Serika]

I must say, i'm not a big fan of the amount of violence that was used against the girls. Striking the girls while they are tied up or restrained seemed unnecessary. A proper villain should use more refined methods of interrogation, such as the wooden horse and the riding crop.

I had to laugh at how Lania explains everything that happens, like maybe she is talking to the reader and telling him what is happening. That's why i call her Master of the Obvious.

[JackO]

I enjoyed the story, it was well written, nicely structured, and I'm sure as the story develops, in later chapters (which I'll be looking forward to), there'll be some nice storyline development, and we'll get to see what happens to the girls.

I both love and hate the way you write about desperation, there's a part of me, willing the girl's desperation to come on stronger and sooner, but because its not the main part of the story, I love the way it doesn't feel forced.

Anyway, have a clapping smiley. 

[anime lover]

I have to disagree with Serika and zeroin001 on the violence thing, under the context of the story, I saw nothing wrong with it, though I do wonder, considering electricity is used to shock a person heart into beating, wouldn't tasering a person in the chest stop their heart?

other than that, the only issue I really have is the lack of abilities displayed by the first two girls, upon the third girl starting to summon, I was thinking "Huh?" It just seemed to come out of left field, I think you should have introduced that the other girls have some sort of ability earlier in the story, They don't have to be successful in using their ability, like with the first girl, she could attempt to use her ability, but her captor notices the action and stops her.