Chapter 1: The mistake!

[Kenichi123]

STORY REWROTE, Please comment~

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Mitsuke, A 15 year old High Schooler, Was playing with her 8 year old brother Jin.

  "And thats how you play Go- Fish!" States Mitsuke, Proud of her teaching Methods. "Any Questions?"

  "What did you say Mitsuke?" Jin states, Finally paying attention.

  "Ugh..."

The sad thing is, Jin has a problem. His urinary muscles and anal sphincter are too strong and wont let out waste correctly. Mitsuke and Jin continue to watch the TV. It goes to a commercial. "Do you know someone who has a disease? Does that disease make them unable to go to the bathroom easily? Do you have 5 Dollars and 25 Cents? If so, Don't hesitate to go to your local pharmacy NOW! Quick... Before it's too late..." The TV goes back to the main program...

Jin and Mitsuke stare at the TV in awe.

  "MOM!!!" They both shout.

End Page 1. Time to save!
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  "Aww, But-"

  "No Butts!" Says Mitsukes mom.

  "Fine..." Mitsuke gives in, "Can I at least take Jin too?"

  "Okay, JIN!!! COME HERE!!!"

  "Huh?" Echoes from the living room

  "Go with your sister to the pharmacy!"

  "But-"

  "NO BUTTS!"

  "Fine..." Jin gives in.


On the way to the store, They meet Aki (Short for Akima) and Rin (Short for Rinayoshi), Mitsukes friends.

  "Hey mitsuke!" Aki and Rin yell from across the street.

  "Hi Aki, Rin! What's up?"

  "Were Going to the pool, Wanna come?" Invites Aki, Rin agreeing.

  "Sure, But first I need to go to the pharmacy for Mr. Problem Over here." Says Mitsuke.

  "Hey " Jin replys

  "Okay, We'll be waiting!" Aki and Rin leave.

At The pharmacy, Mitsuke and Jin go up to the counter and tell the pharmacist what they need. They pay and leave.

  "Hey Mitsuke, Dontcha think it'd be a good idea to call mom and let her know we're going to the pool?"

  "Yeah. Good idea." Mitsuke takes out her cell phone. "Hey mom, I'm got the meds, I'm going to the pool with Jin and my friends for alittle bit, Okay? Ah, Okay. *Click* Hey Jin, Mom wants you to take the meds home."

  "Aww, But, Okay...*

Mitsuke takes out 8 little patches and hands them to Jin, Jin walks home after saying see you later.
But what Mitsuke dosn't know, Is that there are 10 patches that were supposed to be there. 8 Are win jin. 2 are in her pants pocket.

End Page 2, Time to save #2
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  "Hey Aki, Rin, What's up?" Mitsuke asks.

  "What took you so long? The Pharmacy's only across the street." Asks Aki.

  "I got a drink at McDairyking."

  "Oh, Cool. Well, You better get in the pool soon!!" Aki pushes Mitsuke in the pool, Shirt and pants still on.

  "WAH- Ow... Aki Don't do that! Come, help me get back up." Mitsuke reaches for aki's arm, reaching down for her, And YANKS aki in the pool.

  "Ahh!" Aki splashes into the pool.

After 2 minutes, They get out and Mitsuke drys her clothes off, Still wearing them. Unknowingly, The patches are seeping into her body. After 2 more hours at the pool, Aki, Rin, and Mitsuke split up.

On the way home, Mitsuke feels an urge that she knows well, But something's wrong. Even though her clothes are still wet, her urge feels slightly bigger than it should.

  "Ugh... Must hold until i get home..." She thinks to herself... Then, A wave of desperation comes.
"Ah, I won't make it home... Um... There's a bathroom at the park about a quarter mile... left... Ugh..." Mitsuke starts to wabble for the park. This is starting to hurt... She thinks. AH- A Big wave of desperation hits. She drops to the grass floor. I Must hold it!!! She says. 3 minutes later... "AH! Bathroom!" She runs into the little park restroom. She tries to open the first stall. Locked. Second stall... Locked... This can't be happening!!! She thinks. Third stall. Locked. Last stall... She looks at the handle... Fearing if it's locked or not. A Big wave of desperation is hitting, She Pulls the door with all her might... Locked. She trips to the floor. Now lying down, With 5 seconds of Teeth gritting holding, Her muscles give in. First A little spurt wets her panties even more than they are from the pool. She starts to sob in amazement that she couldn't make it. The spurt turns into a turrent, seeping through her already wet clothes. They become warm, And since its wet already, It spreads through her clothes even more instead of just going through her pants and onto the floor. 5 seconds in, She feels her hips and knees get warm. By the time she was done, Her puddle on the floor measured about 3 feet across. Her cold, wet cloths, Up to her breasts, Down to her lower legs, Was warm. She lays there for about 5 minutes realizing what she had just done.

End Page 3, Chapter 1 almost over guys!
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  "I'm HOME!" Mitsuke states then runs up to her bathroom to take a shower.

  After done her shower, She sees Jin.

  "Hey Jin, Did the patches work?"

  "Yeah, Its so much easier now! I was just heading to the bathroom now. Man how good not having to push really hard to pee is."

  "Yeah... Okay... Well im going to go to bed."

  "Mmkay, Goodnite Mitsuke." Jin runs to the bathroom.

  "Yeah... "Good"."

Mitsuke gets a glass of water, drinks it, and lays in bed. Jin comes into her bed next to her. Her familys pretty poor, So they can only afford 1 bed for the both of them.

  "I noticed mom slipped on a plastic cover after the sheets." Said Mitsuke.

  "Yeah, One of the side affects is wetting the bed every once and a while, due to the weakened muscles or something like that." Jin states.

  "Mmhm... Just don't go on me  :) " Giggles Mitsuke Jokingly.

  "Yeah, I'll try :P , Good night!"

  "Goodnight."

Dream: Mitsuke, Jin, Rin, and Aki are at sea, Fishing for some reson.

  "Look at This one I cought!" Says aki, Pointing to a pretty big fish on a hook.

  "Woah! Look at Rins!" Says Jin

Rins fish she cough is about the size of Jin, Give or take a few inches.

  "Wow..." They stare in amazement.

A Big wave hits the boat and pushes mitsuke overboard.

"MITSUKE!!!"
"GET A LIFE RAFT"
"GRAB THE HOOK!"
"MITSUKE! mitsuke... mitsuke........"

Mitsuke wakens breathing heavily.

  "Oh, it was just a drea-..." Mitsuke starts, As she feels somethings wrong. She picks up the cover. In amazment, She sees the bed wet. She looks over at jin, He's about to get up too. He looks at his pants... The front's not wet... Only the back... She realizes... SHE WET THE BED!

"Mitsuke... its cold in here..." Jin comes to his senses. "Why is my back wet...?"

Mitsuke stares at him, eyes wide open, mouth dropped.

  "Did you just...?" Jin starts.

  "I think... so...?" Mitsuke finishes.

  "M-" Mitsuke covers Jins mouth.

  "NO! Don't tell mom! Anything Please!" Mitsuke pleads.

  "Okay... Just give me some cookies tomarrow and get me some new clothes out of the dresser." Says Jin, Now getting undressed in the room.

Mitsuke dosn't care if she sees Jin naked and the other way around, They've been living in the same room for 8 years now. Mitsuke gets undressed. Looks at the clock and see's that it's 1:30 in the morning. They have time to clean it up. Mitsuke gets undressed and grabs a towel while heading for the shower, asking Jin to come too, Since he got half the pee too. Jin grabs his towel, and heads in too. She scrubs his back and herself while Jin plays with the soap. They get out, Sneak the bedding down stairs, Wash it, Sneak it back Up stares, And look at the clock again. Its 2:30 in the morning.

  "Lets go to bed again. I'm still tired." Says mitsuke

  "Kay, Goodnight." Jin says.

Why all these accidents in 2 days? What's going on??



Too bad for Mitsuke, Jin forgot to go to the bathroom before he fell asleep.



End of chapter 1.

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Chapter 2 Release date: Approx. 1 week.

[anime lover]

if you deleted it all in one press of the delete key, then you could have just right-clicked and pressed the 'undo' option

[Kenichi123]

if you deleted it all in one press of the delete key, then you could have just right-clicked and pressed the 'undo' option

I Didn't delete it, I Tab- backspaced it, Which backed me up to the fiction page, Tried to undo the backspace, and the subject was still there *Chapter 1 the mistake*, but the entire story wasn't.

[Ranpalan]

The story feels messy to me. The beginning makes it seem like it'll be about the wetting of the 8-year-old boy, which almost made me stop reading. Then, events went on in a rather disconnected fashion, with a little too much dialogue for my liking. Jim seems far too mature for an 8 year old, the two seem almost identical in age... All in all, not bad, but could do with some work on making it feel more like one story (or maybe it's just me being tired...).

[Videl1201]

Not a bad start. Putting a bit of shota in the mix might turn some people off, but I think it actually adds a bit of variety :)

There's a couple of things you might want to pay more attention to. First of all, try to stick with either past or present tense. Your first sentence is in past tense, but then it suddenly switches to present. Generally speaking I think it's better to stick with past tense (although this is not a rule set in stone of course).

Second you might want to consider the pacing of your story a little bit more. From time to time you describe quite a large series of events in just a few sentences, broken up with some dialog (the part at the pool for example). Keep in mind that for the reader, the story goes as quickly, or as slowly as the amount of text that is written. If you add a lot of text (for example giving details about the environments, character emotions, etc) the pace of the story slows down. If you describe several events i just a few lines the story speeds up. From time to time I get the feeling the pace of the story is a little bit too fast.

Also it would be nice to get some detail about the characters, other than just their age. What do they look like? Do they have something in their personality that sets them apart? Since Aki pushes Mitsuke in the pool I assume she is a pretty playful character. Maybe you can show that more.

Anyway, looking forward to chapter 2 :)

[Kenichi123]

Thanks for the help guys 

I've decided to postpone chapter 2 for now, to get a better storyline, I Don't want to have a fast paced low quality piece of work. I might add some detail to chapter 1 also, New due-date Chapter 2, 2 weeks :D