My first Story

[aptom203]

My first Fanfic ^^ I uploaded it to the downloads section, it's a Naruto-based one recounting the academy years of the three 'rookie' girls. Let me know what you guys think.

[Sipplewat]

The story is good, but the writing is odd. Don't tell us what the girls are thinking, have them think it.

[aptom203]

I don't like 'thought as text' I actually find it confusing, and would rather clearly differentiate by refering to it in third person rather than have them internally vocalize.

[Sipplewat]

Well you can do that but the way you write seems very unusual and odd.

[anathema]

Bravo! Great first story.    I want to see many more from you.

I think you did fine with detailing thoughts.  I had to go back and re-read the story to even see what sipplewat meant. It's just a style of writing, both ways are perfectly valid in my uneducated opinion. I think theres something missing from the way you describe thoughts, but I can't put my finger on it. I'm sure once you develop a voice as a writer any awkwardness in your prose will go away on it's own.

[aptom203]

Heh, I don't mind the review, I got straight A+'s in English at High School, and I've been RPing for 11 years now, so I must be doing something right ;) Just, different strokes for different folks I suppose.

[Serika]

Agreed with anathema. Neither style is "wrong".

I use thought as text so i can have characters think in their own dialect. Bad grammer, slang, and other such things wouldn't work in third person so i sometimes find it easier if the character makes the point and not me.

[Sipplewat]

That's kind of my point, it fleshes out the characters in a way describing thoughts doesn't.

[ckhs15]

Wow. That story is awesome! You can improve on the writing style a little bit, but it's pretty good to be your first story. Keep up the good work!